Damn good question

I don't really have any
Why?

I don't know

Poor parenting

Ask my wife

Come to think of it
I can find the stinkiest darkest dirtiest bar in any town in less than ten minutes

Without fail

The Last Waltz

No crying, no mist

Just The Band and friends Playing

The hangover

Saturday morning, Thorn the mechanic rolled over with a hell of a headache.

Thought out loud,

Damn too much to drink last night, such a headache

and

My right shoulder hurts

What happened there

Then it started coming back to him

He’s under an Impala, dropping the transmission

Across the floor he catches movement

Is that a creeper, maybe a grocery bag

Something brown

Moments slip by and he focuses

Damn, it’s a snake, a sidewinder

How’d that get in here?

Thorn moves to slip from under the Impala

Too late, the sonofabitch bit me, right through the coveralls

He jumps up and quicksteps it to the office

Hey E.J., goddam snake bit me on the shoulder

Bullshit Thorn, how could that happen?

I was on my back on a creeper and it just slipped up

Let me see Thorn…

No kidding, it is a bite, what was it

A sidewinder, Thorn exclaimed, and I don’t feel that good

E.J grabs him by the arm and says,

Let’s get ya to the hospital

Won’t kill ya

But

You’re gonna feel like shit in the morning

And

Get rid of that chewing tobacco before you get in my car

Create Your Own Tile

Pictures

We don't gotta show you no goddamn pictures

Oh;

Here's one

Little boy in ledderhosen trying to get them done whilst viewing internet porn

Need he say more?



Or



Woman trying to stuff prayers written on grocery baggs in the wailing wall



Just slap me



Teehee

Cmon now, really

This is a retread from last summer

Take This Back, in a pigs eye...

I wrestled with this one for hours

When I was a hormonal, angry, misled, poorly raised teen

I caused my mother no end of consternation

Sometimes I’d like to take that back

But

She was pregnant 16 times, 14 made it to birth, 12 made it to their first B-day

Like the lady and the snake, she musta known what I was when she took me in





What would I take back

Nothing absolutely nothing

I’m just human

A monkey with a drivers license



Everything I’ve done and had done to me has brought me to the exact place I stand

Just as there is something good in every human [Oh you doubters]

Eventually there is something good in every action or group of actions

I've a notion

But my battery is wearing down

Down to about 8.5 volts

Let’s see

When I was a little kid, my mother dressed me really funny* and took me to church

Well we did learn about how much God loved us and all

However, if ya didn’t love him with all you faculties forever…

You weren’t getting No heaven

By the time I turned 16 and had been turned down for sex a few times because I hadn’t professed enough devotion….

I figured out that God must be a teen age girl

Or

The god they were trying to teach me…

Was made up during some sort of drug or starvation festival

I’ve been alive 70 years.

I’ve not met, read, heard from anyone intelligent enough to perceive the extent of the universe

Much less

GOD

What ever it is

My ancestors have a name for it…

The name is the “holy mystery”

Wakan Tanka



Any and all religions are and were invented to ease the notion of death

And

Corral people into doing stuff that don’t come natural





So there









*sport coat tie and shorts with suspenders.

Y’know, Sunday go to meeting duds.

My story

This isn't the book

But sometimes ya have to put a coin in the slot to get you fortune

Even if ya don't care

Disregard the above image



20 years back I met my newly wed brother in law

We'll cal him Lars

After they went home to Michigan

I received a letter and a book

The letter explained that He thought that I was one of the hard-heartedest people, he''d ever met.



The book was step by step litany of a trial lawyer making a case for Christ being my personal lord and savior.

Well by chapter 6 I, me was 6-shot pissed.

Tore the pages one by one

Made a papier mache Charlie Brown head and placed in the top of my workbench

Never mentioned it to him in the ensuing years

peace in the family, ya know.

What I'd Say to My 16-Year-Old Self

What in the fuck were you thinking?

My Novelette's Plot

Not being a novelist, this could be rude

Say for instance in the mind of people that took creative writing

But then, who else



The story of the travail of a guy from the ages 28-45

He has lived a life of fantasies of one type or another

Foremost is being able to recite lines from Mad Magazine from rote..

Secondarily he finds parallels in life to Woody woodpecker cartoons and funny books

With political guidance by Pogo Possum



Then at the age of 28 he finds out quite by accident that his ethnicity

And

Heritage have all been lies perpetrated on his life by his parents and relatives



He sets out in quest of the truth, with the mental vision of Woody Woodpeckers screw-ball thought balloon as his guidance



Our story starts at the Mustang Ranch outside of Sparks Nevada

Yadda, Yadda, Yadda

200 Words, HalfAssed

My wife says I'm into overkill...

I overshot by two words

One day in 1952, I think it may have been Thursday, Yeh I’m pretty certain of that.

The kid was driving down river road in an easterly direction, mainly cause that was the only direction that river road went. No one knows why river road only went east, just that the farmers always came back another way. The road back had a bar on it named “Uncle Sonnies”. Farmers figured that if they went to the trouble of driving east that they owed themselves a reward for driving east. Uncle Sonnies was the reward.



Well as I was saying, the kid was driving his new CaddleForStationTruck. As he passed the covered bridge, which by the bye crossed over the river and took ya to Liberty Lake and the ranch of Mr. Tom Mix. Now Tom he had a secret decoder ring, which he got out of a box of Ralston’s multi grain cereal. No one cared about that ring but me and I’m just the writer.



Out of the bushes jumps a PuddyMonyOnster and starts consuming the fender from that CaddleForStationTruck. The kid jumps out and poured a case of beer over that PuddyMonyOnster. Ya might know, that took care of that.

Mix drinks, not mix breed

Pit bull [To chase off or maim anyone that comes to the door to tell me about God]

Cat [Cats don't bark and take care of their own shit]

Bar tender [Why not, most bar tenders are strange animals, and can mix drinks without being house broken]

I'd Say

SELF

Uncle Charlie has it right...

It's 90% bullshit

And

The rest is suspect

or

Just plain Fun

But

When I say duck, I'm not talking waterfowl, duck

Oh yeh...

Ive avoided

Asking my teacher about the resolution of a minor cord progression in arpeggios

Because

I'm so needy in the music region of my life

Also I've avoided

Addressing the fact that I'm two bowls from being out of POT

Thanks Plinky for the wake up call...

Because

I'm such a Goddamn air head

Avoiding?

Paying bills

Practicing

Getting dressed

Putting away the power tools before the first rain comes

Cleaning up my outdoor workbench before the first rain comes

Putting new belts on my truck

Cleaning up my office , so that my wife will stop calling it the "ICKY ROOM"

Watering the vegetable garden



IN my case

:P means Pro procrastinator

"Sonofabitch I knew it"

I discovered through trial and error with my first three wives

Wives don't like "Hah I told you so"

Reprogrammed meself to leave that behind with #4





However:

In the roughly 606192 hours of my life, of which I've spent 99% inside of my head

During conversations with myself and weighing the pro's and cons of almost everything I could do, I've divined many of the possible outcomes of many of life's situations...





However:

I seldom if ever consider the consequence before an action

On a daily basis

I end up saying

"Sonofabitch I knew it"

Funniest Movie Ever is a bit of a stretch

BUT

All of it...

If the answer isn't "All of it", it isn't that funny



The truth be known

Ding...

We've a four way tie here folks



Blazing saddle

Silver Streak

The Jerk

Something about Mary

The search engine go it wrrong again

Never loved a book

However sometimes the author keeps me interested enough to keep me from discarding the book...

Soul catcher by Frank Herbert

When I was young

My uncle Charlie recognizing that my father should have taken up a different career from parenting, took me camping all the time.

All the time.

It was in the deep dark woods of upper left Washington state.

Making a Scene: Where I Live

Gold mining town from the Gold Rush days

Company store mentality

Institutionalized poverty

The churches come up with goods during dry times to be certain the people that accept low wages , don't move away

When I moved here the newspaper published a weekly student athlete of the week

their scores not grades

The truly bright young people leave

The rest take low, low paying jobs or get pregnant

More churches percapita than a reservation





Not gods little acre

What's More Important

Now then Gomer:

Didn'tcha ast a silly ol question!?

Saaay frinstance ya Jones for a sailboat bunking arrangment...

Pursuing that bull riding career ya been dreamin on since your fifth winter

I opines

Not gonna be the best idee

They all Got Away

Between the ages of 10 and 15, I found that my mother was teaching me all household tasks...

I'm one of 12

I'm one of seven which are male

She was teaching me...

One day I asked her why not the other boys

Her answer:

You have a truly unlovable cantankerous nature son

No woman will ever put up with you long

They all got away:::



All the wives thought me exciting

Not a bad boy, just someone that never considered the outcome before doing whatever



Hint for women and girls:

{

Guys like me don't

Do laundry,

Vacuum,

Dishes,

Mow lawns,

Shop,

Water anything but the roadside weeds,

Shop pottery barn for furniture

}



Till we get old

And

Really

Tired of sleeping alone

The light goes on as the light of your life dims

My House

Never dreamed, just happened

HOME

6 acres

Pines, cedars, oaks, deer, raccoons, coyotes, wild cats, bears, mice , bats

Work, lottsa lottsa work

Gosh all hemlock Cybil

Absolutely PRO

Using it for punctuation that no one can ignore nor misconstrue

Some use cursing as a means of holding the room at bay...

Some Simply are unaware of the anyone else but themselves

As a mechanic for 30+ years, my left hand has been pounded mercilessly

and

The air has been filled with screeching profanity

Ooooo dat hurt ==>>doesn't get it



BUT as expressive punctuation



Take for instance

Some guy has raised my ire



Which is more profound

[You lousy gob of spit]

or

[cocksuckinbastard]



Have I expressed my disdain amply?

If I Woke up and found myself a book character

If I need to write something

CLUELESS truly applies to you

An Axe Moment

Will jerky supplant jumpy?

Mark please put the gun down

No worry, you're safe

Mark, life's not that bad

Yes it is

No no not really

Says you

Mark what's the problem now?

401k evaporated

Yeh so?

(the pregnant pause)

Can't afford bullets...

You asked

No passage;

Just...

No thanks I been there

If you had

Ya

Woont have asked

If

Ya need me

I'll be down in the lower pasture

With

My Stratocaster

Playin

"A Day In The Life"

My Special Powder

I would have a brain that worked

And

A swell personality...



Mr. Effective

Not funny, just sweet

Yooka momma

Unka Arf gots a bald on his head



Translation

Look mom, Uncle Alf is bald...

Moved

A number of Oprah moments

Even though it was wrapped around the million man march, it gave a nice emotional set of interpersonal situations

S the Letter S

Shitforbrained & stupid !Same

Silly & Sappy=Same

Sometimes Sardonic sound != same

Sandy soap scrubs surface

||

Sandy soap scratches surfaces sufficiently same





What the phuque, I'm neither a poet nor lyricist

Suckit